"Love is so short and oblivion is so long ..."
This is how Pablo Neruda spoke to us about heartbreak and heart.
We are talking about an intense, fleeting, full feeling that in a single instant can collapse and sink us with it.
Our illusions, our expectations and projects are broken and fear, guilt, doubts and uncertainty towards reality appear.
A not easy process where insomnia and difficulty to carry out the day to day appear.
Some people get caught up in anger and pain and this makes it very destructive for the person as it affects their mental and physical health.
Luckily, you always end up rebuilding your life, adapting and always moving forward.
Couple breakups are a tough process that everyone has usually gone through at some time, either because the relationship has not worked, or because a series of circumstances have happened that have caused it to end.
In most of these situations, people do not know how to manage these emerging emotions, these thoughts, or this process of change in their life.
It is common to ask friends or family for help to find relief from our pain, to which they always usually respond with "give yourself time", "go out to party with your friends" or even "find another partner."
These answers may (or may not) serve us momentarily, but the truth is that they are almost never helpful in restoring our inner balance.
To overcome a separation and accept it completely requires going through different stages, since it is a duel, and this process requires time and management of emotions.
In some cases, it is highly recommended to seek the help of a professional in psychology to guide us and help us regulate our thoughts and feelings.
This grieving process is similar to the process of loss (when someone dies or we lose someone or something), so it requires great work and hope of overcoming.
The 5 phases of mourning in the breakup of a love
We will now go on to explain the phases of grief and the most relevant characteristics of each of these stages:
1. Denial
In this phase, you will refuse to accept reality and will not be fully aware that the relationship has ended. Feelings of sadness, crying, laughter and other contradictory emotions will appear that prevent seeing the truth.
2. Anger
In this stage, guilt and anger will appear, negative thoughts about who has acted wrong, who is responsible for the breakup, emotional charges that we did not let go of at the time and appear spontaneously and with a high level of intensity. Anxiety and aggressiveness go hand in hand and are the protagonists of this process, so it is important to know how to manage them so that they are the least harmful for us.
3. Negotiation
This is where desperation makes us act like lawyers, looking for a fair contract that favors both parties with the clause to stay together in exchange for whatever. Impulsiveness and manipulation take over us and make us beg and beg as if our lives were running out on it. This rarely ends in a good way, since it is not a healthy negotiation, given the pain that we are suffering and that we are avoiding accepting, being aware that that relationship has come to an end no matter how strong it may have been. The healthiest deal you can make is to end up being friends after taking time apart for wounds to heal.
4. Depression and sinking
At this stage you begin to understand that the relationship is over and that there is no going back, let's say you begin to accept reality. Here are the feelings of sadness, apathy, reluctance and hopelessness. All of these emotions are normal and part of the healing process, and how quickly it passes will depend on how you manage it.
5. Acceptance
This is the last phase, where you finally fully accept that you and your partner are done and start to stop bombarding your head with negative and defeatist thoughts. You have memories of the relationship but they do not cause you as much pain as before and the situation normalizes, this is when you start to rebuild your life.
The island of feelings
The Island of Feelings is a story by Jorge Bucay that can help us reflect on what love is.
Once upon a time, there was an island where all feelings lived: Joy, Sadness and many more, including Love.
All the feelings were there. Life was harmonious and very calm, sometimes even predictable.
Routine made Boredom fall asleep, or Impulse made a fuss; other times, Constancy and Coexistence managed to calm the Discontent.
One day, unexpectedly for all the inhabitants of the island, Knowledge called a meeting. It turns out that the island was sinking and everyone had to flee.
The feelings rushed out of the island, they got into their boats and left, but Love stayed, because it wanted to stay a little longer with the island that it loved so much, before it sank.
After a while, Love began to ask for help. Wealth approached and Love said:
-Take me with you!
-I can't, there's a lot of gold and silver in my boat, I don't have space for you. said Wealth.
Love asked Vanity for help, what was happening:
-Vanity, please help me!
I can't help you, love, you're all wet and you're going to dirty my new boat.
Then, Love asked Sadness for help:
-Sadness, will you let me go with you?
To which he replied:
-I'm so sad that I prefer to go alone.
Joy also passed, but she was so happy that she did not listen to Love.
Finally Desperate Love began to cry and it was there that he heard a voice:
-Come, love, I'll take you. -He was an old man, and Love was so happy that he didn't even ask his name.
Upon reaching the mainland, he asked Wisdom:
-Wisdom, who is the old man who brought me here?
Wisdom replied:
-It is Time, dear friend, because only Time is capable of helping and understanding Love.
The 12 keys to overcome the breakup more easily
- Let go and let go. Cry, scream, scream, get it all out. Talking to others helps you vent. Crying yourself out of tears is one of the best therapies to break free and begin to heal wounds. The stones that are not removed become encyst and now we have an opportunity to release all the burdens that hurt us.
- Speak. Friends and our loved ones are the best people to express our feelings, chat and lean on them.
- Positive thinking. This is one of the most complex elements given the discomfort and sadness that we are experiencing. However, everything we go through in our life is learning, an experience that helps us grow as people and move forward in our lives. Therefore, we must bear in mind that everything happens, even in the worst situations everything ends up ending.
- Take care. Eating a good diet and exercising regularly helps us stay strong for battle. Loving and taking care of ourselves is essential because we value and care for ourselves and this increases our self-esteem.
- Keep your mind busy. Thoughts are the main cause of our mood, so if we are going through a difficult situation, doing activities such as sports, going out with people or reading a good book make the duel more bearable.
- List of causes. Writing a list of the causes that caused the breakup and the advantages that we obtain from that separation help us to cope with the worst moments and be more objective when it comes to seeing things.
- Now is your time. It is the ideal opportunity to think of yourself, do what you have always wanted or give yourself that whim that you have been waiting for so long. It is time to be selfish and worry exclusively about yourself.
- Write. Writing a journal about thoughts and emotions, about things we feel or things that go through our heads is a good way to feel better, get to know ourselves and even discover things about ourselves.
- Allow yourself to be wrong. Society teaches us that we always have to be well and happy and it really is not like that. We are people who have both positive and negative feelings and experiencing them is part of the human being, so we must accept those negative feelings and that pain, since they are part of healing.
- Zero guilt. There is no use thinking about what you could have done or how you could have solved it better. None of that matters anymore, each one acts in the best way they know at the moment it happens, so stop blaming your self for the past. The moment that counts is the present and the person you have to value the most is yourself.
- Let yourself help. Ask for help when you need it, seek support, cry whatever it takes. If you need help from a psychologist, seek it out and do not lock yourself in or your thoughts.
- Time to time. Do not be in a hurry to recover because you do not have a time machine and each process needs its duration. Be calm and patient and under no circumstances compare yourself to anyone because each requires a period of mourning.
- Life goes on. Try to continue with your obligations and responsibilities because the world does not end with a partner. The world is very big and the opportunities that await you are endless, so focus on your present and your dreams.
- Connect with your mind. Yoga and meditation are exercises that work little by little with our body and mind through breathing. They are of great help to learn to manage feelings and to calm the mind.
